Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Rocking in the Free World

So this weekend I went a little nutty and went to not one, but TWO concerts that I believe can officially categorize me as not really that hip anymore: Coldplay and Jack Johnson. I used to go to concerts in seedy, dark, smelly venues with names like "The Bottleneck" or "The Pyro Room" or "Hipster Jackasses Who Think Tongue Piercing Makes Them An Artist Bar." However, now that I can no longer take the GODFORSAKEN HIPSTER PRETENSION I don't go to those places. Now, I go to outdoor amphitheatres which allow me to deal with completely new & unique types of pretension, which I will describe for you in a handy list format below:

• Dot-com Yuppies- Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, how I hate you bitches. Seriously, I know I have a cell phone, and a Saab, but LORD in HEAVEN I did not come to a concert to hear you talk about what Heather and Tammy said last Saturday night at the party! And seriously, I know we all get tired of rock stars trying to save the world, but it really makes me want to throw things-like full cups of overpriced beer- at you when you completely ignore the pictures of starving African babies on the screens so that you can take a picture of the "whole gang" with your picture phone. Oh, and I am not trying to lay my crappy blanket anywhere near your precious Burberry throw, so don't look at me like that. And turn down your collar.
• Women Not Wearing Enough Clothing- Ladies, please. I know we're in California, but here's the thing: It gets COLD outdoors at night. We're by a BAY which is WATER which leads to MOISTURE which leads to COLD. I know The Husband is a meteorologist and I have an unfair advantage here, but even I can see that little croppy/strappy number is going to do nothing for your body temperature. By the way- I can totally see your thong and it is not pretty.
• Mulletted Drunks- To be honest, I don't generally have a problem with this particular category of people, since I tend to expend most of my hatred on the yuppies and the panty girls. I really just want to use the word "mulletted."
• People Who Are Too Cool To Sing Along- Listen here, bitches, when I go to a concert it is generally because I like all, or most all, of the songs and you giving me a dirty look is not going to stop me from harmonizing with Chris Martin. I did have 2 years of vocal coaching when I was in high school, but I'm pretty sure the bajillion dollar sound system is going to drown out any possible off-key notes. There's nothing more liberating than a 10,000-20,000 people singing along and you should try it. Put down the brie and have a little fun.
• The Close Dancer/Blanket Infringer- This is really the same kind of person, so I feel they deserve only one mention. Since I am generally too cheap to pay for seated tickets at these huge venue shows, I almost always end up on lawn. On the lawn there is always, always that one slightly creepy weirdo that seems to not have any friends at all, and would just love to hang out with you. Or even better, he would love to dance with you and/or share your beer. The answer, sadly, is always no, but it doesn't stop him from trying.

Despite my bitching, I do love live music. I love being outdoors on a cool summer evening, I love seeing my favorite bands live and in-person, but most of all, I love hearing music that can change the way you look at the world. Plus, any opportunity to see a mullet is worth the price of admission and my $7.95 12 oz beer.