|
|
|
|
They
do, too.
*
recently updated
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Friday, January 31, 2003
The Year of the Ram! Goat! Donkey! Whatever it is- I am IN!
One of the many perks of living in San Francisco (or San Fran-Tastic, my new favorite nickname) is an increased awareness of the traditions of other cultures. And, since I’m so white my family crest probably has a Gap and a peanut-butter sandwich on it, I for one have really enjoyed opening my horizons. I’ve learned about the day-before-the-wedding tradition of covering your entire body in henna tattoos from my Indian friend. I’ve learned about the Japanese tradition of pouring soy sauce on any burn caused in the kitchen from my co-worker’s wife. But from my Chinese friend I’ve learned about what has to be the coolest tradition by any culture, ever: Red Envelope Money. For Chinese New Year (which by the way, begins tomorrow, and is the most fun, festive and colorful holiday ever), every person who is not yet married (regardless of age), is given money from all their married friends and family members. Now the amount can vary, but the point is, they rack in a lot of dough. They hold on to this money and save it for their whole life- theoretically, for when they get married. (Of course, if it was me I probably would have blown it on dinners at Chili’s by now, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Dude- this is the coolest tradition ever! Consider the fact that most of us poor single saps have shelled out hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, for the weddings, bachlorette parties, baby showers, etc… of all our married friends. Us single kids always get the shaft! I know eventually (hopefully) we’ll all get our day in the sun with the Target Wedding Registry gun, but until then I’m looking at a long road of place settings and frames for all your people. I’m just asking for a little payback.
Join me, my single brethren, say it- loud and proud- RED ENVELOPE MONEY FOR EVERY SINGLE GAL AND GUY! You know you're with me.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:52 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Pimps up, hos down
I’m actually a little depressed that first Heidi and now MoJo have been kicked off "Joe Millionaire." (Or, "Jose Big-Bucks," for those of us in the know) Although, it is good to know that Sarah’s illustrious past includes a burgeoning bondage film career.
Seriously, how can I not watch this?
Posted
by The Amy @ 2:21 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Blogwhoring
Okay, I admit it. I don’t really understand what this is all about. I think it’s kind of like Survivor, except without the potential Playboy models (although there is plenty of talk of boobies), and no one is actually in any kind of jungle, they’re all just sitting at their computers eating snacks. Apparently all these people with blogs kiss some Canadian’s ass and then they win a prize of like $7.25 and some soft-core porn. Or something.
Anyway, Micky is my pimp, and the originator of this fine, fine blog design, so I think he deserves to win. So go visit Blogwhore or go visit Micky.
I just hope he doesn’t have to show his Fruit Basket to win. Naughty.
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:48 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (3)
Friday, January 24, 2003
Inside the criminal mind
So I have this friend who has a friend that lives somewhere in Texas. Since I can’t remember the name of the town, we’ll just call it Goat Ass, Texas. Now, before all the Texas-lovers get pissy with me, I know that there are some awesome cities in Texas, or at least there is Austin, but, as you will see, Goat Ass is not one of them. Anyway, this friend of hers recently bought a house in beautiful Goat Ass and had almost finished moving in when her new home was burglarized. Although she was still in the process of moving stuff, she had already moved most of her major electronics and home furnishings, including all the stuff that you would figure (or “figger” in Goat Ass) would be stolen. Wrong-o
They stole only two items from her house. First, they stole her daughter’s Barbies. HER BARBIES!! This makes me very sad. Could you imagine trying to explain to a little girl why someone would steal all her Barbies and Barbie paraphernalia? I mean, they got the Barbie Dream House, too! Plus, how much can those things be worth on the black market? Is there even a Barbie black market? As if that wasn’t strange enough, the only other thing they stole were her belt buckles. That’s right- her prized belt buckles made of chrome, silver, bronze and gold. Belt Buckles with American flags, belt buckles in the shape of the state of Texas, belt buckles, possibly, of a goat’s ass.
I’m not sure if I’m comfortable in a world where someone envies extra-large, Texas-sized belt buckles enough to steal them. Forget about the serial killers and people with schizophrenic disorders- what kind of sickness makes you steal only Barbies and belt buckles? This is a criminal mind worth probing. I want this person on the next HBO special: "Inside the Mind of a Belt Buckle Fanatic who also likes Barbie"
All I know is that I’m putting my Cabbage Patch Kids® under lock and key. And the My Little Pony’s®? Going in a safe deposit box.
Posted
by The Amy @ 10:31 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (4)
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
You know,
I really didn’t think I would ever hate any television personality more than I hated Kathie-Lee Gifford. From the annoying way she spelled “Kathie” (with the hyphen, for chrissake) to the insipid tales of her little Brady or Cody or Taylor or whatever in vogue uber-yuppie thing she named that poor child; I loathed everything about her. When she finally retired and her smug little face began to disappear from the tabloids shouting of Frank’s infidelity (CAN YOU BLAME HIM?) or her purported slugging matches with Regis (Again, CAN YOU BLAME HIM?), I thought I was safe. There’s no way that the person that would replace Kathie-fucking-Lee (sorry, Mom) could be as insanely perky and evil, right? There’s just no possible way?!?!?
As usual, I was wrong. Kelly Ripa is worse. Worse! She has taken the dubious distinction of “television personality” to a new level of evil. She has out Kathie-Lee’d Kathie-Lee. For example: Her book club, wherein she chooses the trashiest “novels” she can find and passes them off as literature. (A recent selection was billed as a “zany romantic caper that is truly a novel for the 21st century.” Uhh-I don’t think the words “zany” and “caper” have been seen since the 19th Century.) And those damn guest appearances on that little “Ed” show? Not that I’m a regular viewer, but the one time I actually watch it, she’s tramping around being coy or cute or whatever the hell it is she does. Crapped up the chances of me ever watching that business. Every time I see that Pantene commercial (which I saw again last night, thereby spawning this tirade) I want to rip-a out all of her pretty little golden locks. Dude, she makes me feel sorry for Regis. For REGIS PHILBIN.
Okay, deep breath- sorry for the unleashed hatred there. I think it was the hair flip and the end of that commercial that really got to me. Maybe I just need a haircut.
Posted
by The Amy @ 11:00 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (5)
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Sicky-poo
Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I seem to have some kind of general malaise, possibly due to the cold I’ve been fighting, but also due to an overall lack of anything to say. Apparently my muse is on sabbatical. Or maybe this new design is so fancy that I suddenly feel inadequate.
But don’t worry- I’ll have some new and exciting observations soon. Both of my readers won’t have to wait for long!
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:02 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Thursday, January 16, 2003
My so-called life
Last night just confirmed it. With “Joe Millionaire” on Mondays, “The Bachlorette” on Wednesdays and soon “American Idol 2” on Tuesdays, my social calendar is pretty much booked. Although, I am a little sad that the charming French linguist Heidi will no longer be vying for the love of Mr. Millionaire, it’s good to know that the sleazy bo-hunk Russ will continue to shower Trista with gifts and liquor for awhile longer.
Oh yes, my calendar is full. Too bad it’s not booked with any real social engagements with real people, though.
Posted
by The Amy @ 1:45 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
All grows up II
Oh, and yes, the comments are back up. The numbers aren't working right now, but they're all there. Play nice, people.
Posted
by The Amy @ 2:16 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
All grows up
I’m telling you, more and more it’s starting to look like I may be keeping this thing up for awhile. Major love to Pimp Daddy Micky for making my champagne dreams and caviar wishes become a BE-YOO-TI-FUL reality.
It’s so pretty. And so pink.
Posted
by The Amy @ 1:44 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar
Yet more commuter tales
So this morning, on my way into work, I was riding one of San Francisco’s lovely low emission buses. Normally, I would not mention low emissions, or really any kind of emissions, but it is germane to my little story that these buses use electricity, as well as gas, to power themselves. Electricity that allows for such things as a cheerful red-lighted sign reminding her passengers of various stops and to watch out for pickpockets. Electricity that gives us the electronically created voice of a woman telling the driver that there is a “Stop Requested” or that we are at “Fremont and Folsom.” However, my favorite thing that this lady says, who I have respectfully dubbed, “Electra” is “Please Hold On.” I love this for two reasons: 1) It’s true, you do have to hold on otherwise you will quickly be hurtling towards a fellow commuter and/or six-foot-tall transvestite (I’m not just saying that for dramatic effect because I live in San Francisco, I’m saying it because I Honest-To-God take the morning bus with a six-foot-tall transvestite. No joke.); and 2) It’s just so nice to hear someone say please.
Anyway, this morning as I rode the bus, there seemed to be something amiss with Electra. Her melodiousness was a little tinny, her signage a little less flashy. And her “Please Hold On”? It was missing! Gone! Clearly, Electra had taken the day off. Distraught, I looked everywhere for an answer. As I looked up to the front of the bus I saw the reason for her sabbatical. Just above the heads of my fellow commuters and below the head of the transvestite, the sign said it all. The sign that simply read: “Please Ho” as the wheels on the bus obliviously rolled on.
Clearly, Electra does not appreciate that kind of talk. But I do.
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:59 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Monday, January 13, 2003
Not entirely sure what to make of this...
Someone came to my blog after searching for “wearing pantyhose at the time of her arrest” on Google. Seriously- what were they looking for? And more importantly- how did I manage to get on that referral list?
And don’t even get me started on the person looking for “insane bouncy balls.” Ouch.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:57 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Friday, January 10, 2003
Smelting for lovers
I just heard that there’s an organization called the League of Women Blacksmiths. I wonder if they have annual celebrations with themes like: “Hunka-Hunka Burning Steel: Branding in the New Millennium” or “Steeling Your Heart: Smelting for Lovers.” I imagine that at one of those conventions someone got really loaded- filling up on 7&7’s while listening to a bad local band covering a bad 80’s hair band. And I wonder if, as the final bars of “Rock me like a Hurricane” ended, an uncharacteristic hush fell over the LadySmiths, as I like to imagine they would want to be called. And that same person drinking 7&7’s, who by this time had no conception of how loud her voice gets when she’s drinking, said: “I don’t care what those policeman say, if it’s okay to brand a cow than it should be by-God fine to brand your husband. Especially if he asks for it. Stupid bastards.”
And the LadySmiths were never really the same after that.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:41 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
BF. BF, Forever
So, one of my very bestest friends is coming to visit me today from Chicago and I am so excited I could just about wet myself. I could tell some wild-n-crazy story about one of the many times we either a) brought a keg to a charity kickball tournament, b) her lifting my skirt to show that I wasn’t wearing any underpants to a security guard, or c) did the chicken dance on stage in a Cleveland piano bar, but really, who hasn’t heard stories like that, these days in America? So, I’ll just spend the day giggling to myself and counting the hours.
I would say I hope this weekend provides with even more wild-n-crazy stories to tell our grandkids, but I imagine that it will mainly consist of gossiping about our other friends and trying to figure out what goes through our respective boyfriend’s minds, while listening to Fleetwood Mac. And probably a couple of bottles of wine.
But I’ll tell you one thing- I’m wearing underpants this time, just in case.
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:22 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (5)
Monday, January 06, 2003
Rock and Bowl
So, The Boyfriend managed to get me drunk enough on Saturday night that I consented to go bowling with him. Interesting fact- it takes Amy four beers to lower her inhibitions enough to go bowling, but only one or none to perform “I will survive” on karoke. You know you want to party with me. Anyway, I was doing okay- displaying my exemplary technique in bowling under-70 for three straight games (you’d be surprised how hard this mediocrity is to cultivate), when I suddenly realized that I was bowling with the same weight and size ball as my lane-mates. My lane-mates were three 11-year-old children…using bumpers. I think I said something to one of them, which I thought sounded like: “Hey, I wish I had bumpers,” but probably came out like: “heeey, those are some preeetty sweeet bumpers, maan” because the child gave me a look of confusion and quickly ran away.
Obviously, with my confidence shot, I could do the only sensible thing left to reclaim my dignity: Try to steal the bowling shoes on the way out the door. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Posted
by The Amy @ 10:53 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (6)
Friday, January 03, 2003
Naughty
Oh yeah. If you're a member of the working world and are right now using your employer's resources to surf the w-w-w, you might not want to listen to that little gem without headphones. It's a little naughty. Actually, it's A LOT naughty.
Don't get fired. I don't want that on my conscience.
Posted
by The Amy @ 12:15 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Oh.My.God.
I cannot stop laughing. Tears are pouring out of my eyes and my co-workers think I’ve gone insane. My darling little Sis and lovely Pimp Micky have written and performed one of the funniest, naughtiest things ever and I cannot even compete. I do feel a little left out and sad that I was not present at this Holiday Miracle, but I know that I will come up with just the right jazz hands, kick-ball-changes and pas de pouree steps to complete the masterpiece. You see, I am the choreographer to our revolutionary pop group, SS&D.
Go there. Go now. Download it. I don’t care how slow your computer is. DO IT.
I have never been prouder in my whole life. I bet Christina will want to cover it. It sounds like her kind of material.
Posted
by The Amy @ 8:59 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (4)
|
|
