|
|
|
|
They
do, too.
*
recently updated
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Epiphany
You know – I just realized that my first concert ever was New Kids of the Block. I mean, I didn’t want to go, I just went because all my friends were going, but still – I went. Sprayed my bangs, put on my black felt hat and pink satin vest and went. I think I may have even screamed during the time Joey ripped off his shirt to show the crowd his 13-year-old muscles.
I am so not cool.
Posted
by The Amy @ 12:02 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (6)
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…
I got an email today from my 83-year-old grandmother that said, in part, “I watched Joe Millionaire tonight and I still liked it.”
83 years old. Watches Joe Millionaire. LIKES Joe Millionaire.
I don’t care who makes fun of me for watching reality TV anymore. Grandma is on my side.
Now that's keeping it real, y'all.
Posted
by The Amy @ 3:24 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Friday, February 21, 2003
Corporate Tripods
At one of my very first real, Big Girl Corporate Jobs I did everything I could to keep myself from believing I was actually at a Big Girl Corporate Job. I would call my boss “Homes” or "G", I would run up and down the fire escape stairs trying to see if I could beat the elevators, I would play in the fountains by Bartle Hall at lunchtime–– anything to convince myself that I was still original and alternative and well, punk rock.
Right.
For those of you who know me, I’m about as punk rock as Martha Stewart playing with Barbie, but as a hip gal in her early 20’s with a sudden wad of disposable income, I was pretty sure I could be a rocker if I tried hard enough. It was on one of my more rebel-without-a-clue days, a Friday as I recall that I discovered the joys of the Corporate Tripod. You know what a tripod is–– when you stand on your head and put your knees on your elbows, with your arse sticking up in the air? Well, I took to doing these in my cube, in conference rooms, in the Vice President’s office...anywhere that struck my fancy. I’m not sure why I did this, probably to show off for the co-worker I had a bit of a crush on at the time, but once I started I couldn’t stop. I would stand up, call out “Tripod” to my co-workers and they would all rush over to watch me make an ass of myself. The aforementioned co-worker (who eventually got canned) and I started having Tripod Contests. Who could stay up the longest? And how long? I always won. I think my longest was five minutes… and I think my head nearly exploded.
I’m not doing Corporate Tripods anymore. I’ve accepted my fate as a non-punk rock, non-alternative, though still fairly hip gal, and I’m a lot happier for it. But on Fridays like this, at around four in the afternoon, there’s just something that makes me want to stand on my head and stick my ass in the air.
I’m telling you, maturity is a lot harder than it looks.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:04 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (5)
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Now YOU listen, Missy!
Let’s talk a little bit about a very special person. She appears often on this website, usually with quite a lot to say. She decorates her house with, at last count, over 200 bunnies every Easter. She makes the best costumes for Halloween. She sends me clippings from newspapers and magazines with topics that range from where to eat in Lake Tahoe to the dangers of a certain kind of cold medicine for 20-something women. She is witty, charming and kind- but she won’t let on until you really know her. She does the best Elmer Fudd impression you’ve ever heard, and then denies doing it 10 minutes later. She gets tipsy after one margarita. She calls the tiny lines around her temple and forehead “the things you two girls have given me.” She plays the piano, even though it’s outrageously out of tune. She loves N’Sync and gets mad when I call Britney or Christina a skank. She makes me wish I was still small enough to fit on her lap and be rocked to sleep. All my friends love her, even if they’ve never met her. And the ones who have met her love her even more. Every time we make cookies, she always lets me eat the cookie dough- because she does too.
It’s my Mom’s birthday today, people. And unlike last year, when I COMPLETELY FORGOT, I have remembered this time. These are just a few of the memories I have of the woman who has shaped me so completely that sometimes I look in the mirror and see her. I wish you all could be so lucky.
Happy Birthday, Mom- I love you.
Posted
by The Amy @ 11:08 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (4)
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
The course of true love never did run smooth
Well, people, I’m sorry to say it, but my friends Kelli and Mitchel did not win the dream wedding. Instead it was the couple that used caps lock far too frequently on their entry and personally, annoyed the shit out of me. Here the are, in case you want to refresh your memory.
Kellie and Mitch do send their love to everyone who voted- because that’s just the kind of people they are. I am a little sad, but really, who wants to get married at 8 AM on a Monday? They'll have their own pretty princess wedding without the help of a crappy radio station that considers Christina Aguilera to be "cutting edge."
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:11 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Friday, February 14, 2003
Love in all the wrong places
In honor of Valentine’s Day, and all the things you are to me, I’d like to draw your attention to three key areas of interest that have strengthened my belief in true love today. First: It turns out that IN FACT this man was “being ran over” as his mistress said. I guess it’s a case of “if I can’t have you, no one will. Second: This little tidbit tells the tale of lovely Annie Sprinkle, the porn star who has had sex with over 3,000 people (watch out, Wilt) is finally settling down. It's a beautiful story, really. And Thirdly:
It turns out there is a tour at the San Francisco Zoo every Valentine’s Day that, for the low, low price of $55 a head (so to speak), will guide you through the wonderful world of the mating rituals of the bear, rhinoceros, penguin and many more.
Here’s a hint: Next year, somebody had better get me that Zoo Sex Tour. To hell with flowers- I want to know how giraffes do it. That will warm the cockles of my heart.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:57 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Very Ashamed
I will now impart to all four of my readers the full text of my mother’s email to me this morning:
“I really think you need to watch your language, Missy.
‘Big Guns’ are role models, you know! What if some child (with their parent's permission) is searching ‘Google’ and types in ‘Miss Piggy’ and then finds your site with f-ing? Hmmm...well, anyway… just something to think about! :)”
I myself am more concerned about some child, without their parent’s permission, typing in “naked whores dressed like Miss Piggy” or even worse "'f-ing' Miss Piggy" and coming to my sorry little site, but that’s just me. So, for all those little kiddies out there who were expecting the whores and the pigs, I’m sorry. You’ll just have to do with a semi-coherent, 20-something, reality TV-obsessed, Kansas transplant discussing the strange and varied things she sees and does on the streets of San Francisco.
But for you, Mom, I'll work on keeping it PG-13 around here. Takin' it to the people is hard work.
Posted
by The Amy @ 10:20 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (4)
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Sweetbabyjesus
Do you ever have those days that no matter how hard you try and how much you do, you just feel like you keep fucking everything up? And that if you even get your fatass up from your desk for five minutes to get a cup of coffee or hot chocolate with whipped cream – sorry about it, diet – you feel like you will miss some important part of your day?
I’m telling you, people, being a big gun is not all it’s cracked up to be. At least the men are telling all on the Bitchlorette tonight. I want to see the Cokehead go after theCowboy. Now that would be some quality programming.
I gotta catch a bus. I hope I don't trip.
Posted
by The Amy @ 5:37 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Monday, February 10, 2003
Double-entendre
Someone just introduced me as “one of the big guns in the department.”
Amy Big Guns. That could totally be my porn star name.
Posted
by The Amy @ 3:29 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Love is a beautiful thing
We’re down to the final two days and my friends need all the help they can get. Vote for Kellie and Mitch!
Do it for love. Do it for me. Do it because you love me.
Posted
by The Amy @ 12:09 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar
Friday, February 07, 2003
Warning Sign
I cannot stop listening to this song on Coldplay’s A Rush of Blood to the Head.
I have seriously listened to it fifty times in the past week. I mean, that whole album is (san) frantastic, but that song absolutely slays me.
The absolute coolest thing about the song, though, is that towards the end you can hear the singer’s brief intake of breath. In this age of obsessively fixing every little imperfection, it makes the little human elements that remain a fricking miracle. It’s like on this rendition of “Tangled up in Blue.” You can hear the buttons on Bob Dylan’s sleeves hitting the guitar strings as he plays. And it’s one of the most heart-wrenching versions of that very heart-wrenching song, because you can hear the REALITY of his emotions.
I have a friend who once said that he loved going to concerts more than anything. Not just because he loves the music, or seeing his favorite Rock Star (pump fist) up close and personal, but because that’s the only time he really felt like he was a part of the human condition. When everyone at a concert is singing in unison, be it to Warrant or Weezer, there’s an interconnectedness that you don’t get anywhere else.
So I keep going to rock concerts and keep buying CDs– even though I know the recording industry is an evil empire that spits out twenty wads of bubblegum pop for every Norah Jones. And I’ll keep over-tipping the white guy with dreadlocks that plays covers of Dave Matthews and Jimi Hendrix at my local brewpub.
And I’ll probably listen to that song another 100 times.
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:47 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Well, this is a real shock
The second dumbest man in America (the first would be everyone’s favorite Gaston look-alike) broke up with his lady. My bet is that he’s back together with the little blonde dumbass from Alabama before you can say “chitlins and greens.” What a surprise that true love doesn’t erupt from a six-week whirlwind with cameras watching your every move? We’re now 0 for 2 people, and with Trista’s blatant desire to be “an actress or maybe a host for the View…” Yeah, I’m betting odds aren’t on her side.
I know this is hard to believe, but I think I’m really starting to tire of reality TV. There is only so much blatant self-promotion and debasement a gal can handle. Now we’ve even made people famous by association- if your brother makes the cut on American Idol you get to come to the show and give Simon a piece of your mind? WHO ARE YOU? Do you even know anything about music? Of course not, but all of America needs to hear what Lashugana, sister of Trinaycle from Goat’s Ass, TX has to say. And what was with old Gaston showing up at the end of the show? I’m starting to the onion think isn’t too far off…Although, I would totally watch “Chained to the Leg of Cloris Leachman.”
I think I’m going to skip “The Bitchlorette” tonight. A little cold turkey might do me some good.
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:17 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
It doesn’t get much better than this:
A man riding down Market Street on a unicycle, wearing a head-to-toe hot pink unitard, with wings sewed on the back, just told me he liked my “swingy ponytail.”
I can’t make this shit up, people.
Posted
by The Amy @ 1:10 PM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (1)
True Wuv
I’ve got a story to tell you: One of my oldest and dearest friends, Jill, has a little sister, Kellie, who recently got engaged to a lovely man, Mitch. Now, Mitch and Kellie, who only dated each other five months before they got engaged, by the way (cynics- take heart!), are trying to plan a beautiful wedding. Here’s the catch- Jill and Kellie come from a family that has a total of four girls. Jill just got married last September, now Kellie is engaged and they’ve got two other daughters that have serious boyfriends. That’s four weddings, people. FOUR. And you know how much those things cost. Actually, no one really knows how much weddings cost because people who get married will never tell us poor single suckers, because our heads would probably implode at the thought of it. So, we just muddle along, fall in love and put together what we think is a simple wedding and all of the sudden we realize that we could have bought a pretty nice car in California or a pretty nice house in Kansas for what we just spent on pink ribbons and white organza, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, the real story here is that somehow they managed to get in this crazy contest, sponsored by a radio station in Kansas City, that will give them a “dream wedding” if they get enough people to vote on line between now and February 12th. If they win, they get a wedding and reception in Union Station on St. Patrick’s Day. Right now, they’re one of the final five couples that’s vying for the big prize and if you go to the link and read the other entries, they are by far the coolest. So go! VOTE! As they say, vote early and often. Give these kids some lovin’!
Go Kellie and Mitch! (Isn't it nice to do your part for true love?)
Posted
by The Amy @ 11:12 AM permalink
|
Come on...give us some sugar (2)
|
|
