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Monday, June 30, 2003
A New Breed
So almost two months ago now, one of my dear friends got married. I've really had a rash of these wedding things in the 5 years after of college, and by now I think I’ve seen it all. I grudgingly chicken dance when called upon, conveniently exit for the restroom when the bouquet is tossed and can electric slide like no one’s business. Weddings, we can all agree, are by in large a good dang time. Everyone is happy, the liquor flows freely and only there will you ever hear me utter: “I ain’t getting on the dance floor until I hear ‘Whoomp There It Is.’ Who’s with me, bitches!”
Well, only there and maybe two or three other occasions I try not to remember.
Anyway, this wedding two months ago was one of the most fun (or funnest, for those grammarians playing at home) weddings I have been to in quite a while. While the wedding itself was a great time, I saw something I had never seen before, something that shocked and frightened me out of my sheltered little existence, something that I would just as soon forget and something I will now share with you:
Walking down the lovely streets of Toledo, Ohio, right across from something called a “Eat 4 Less” or “Super Cheap Crap Emporium” (and trust me, their pantyhose selection leaves something to be desired), I saw a man with a long, flowing mullet. This alone in Toledo would not be cause for alarm (in fact, men that do NOT have mullets are more of a cause for alarm) but what has shaken me to my soul was the fact that this Mullet had a gigantic ocean blue parrot on his shoulder. Let me repeat that: The Mullet had a Parrot. THE MULLET HAD A PARROT.
Mullet + Parrot…IT WAS A MULLERROT!
Of course, the two people I was in the car with have absolutely no recollection of this event and, of course maintain that I made the whole thing up. And of course, I didn’t think fast enough to take a fricking picture, so I have no proof, other than the scaring on my subconscious. But seriously, no matter how desperate I may be for attention, I cannot make this shit up.
So, if anyone lives in or ever goes to Toledo, Ohio, be on the lookout for Mullerrots. I’m just hoping there’s only one of this species… I don’t know if humanity can survive if it reproduces.
Be vigilant, my friends.
Posted
by The Amy @ 4:58 PM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Thursday, June 26, 2003
It’s getting hot in herrrr
Now, I am no stranger to the heat. Having lived in the Midwest for all but the last two years, I know what hot is. I know the kind of hot that makes your thighs stick together, the kind of hot that causes your back to sweat just by going out to the mailbox, the kind of hot that makes the musty, creepy basement suddenly the best place to be.
This kind of hot doesn’t happen in San Francisco – a place where there is always a cooling fog covering the tops of the buildings and a 25-mile-an-hour sea breeze comes in off the Bay every day at 4 on the dot. But it has been damn hot the last two days, and I have discovered a couple of things because of it:
1) I just love to wear cute little skirts and tops. It reminds me of the fact that almost all of them were purchased in my infamous Just Out of College, Wow My Paycheck Isn't Hourly Anymore phase, that sent me into over $10,000 of debt. Really, I wish I could wear them more often so that I could have something to show for it, other then my spectacular credit rating.
2) How did the world survived before air conditioning? We don’t have any now, like many of the homes out here, and it seriously did not cool down last night until about 10 PM. How did the Pilgrims handle it? I mean, clearly, this is the reason why the average life expectancy was 22.
Also, I am so NOT ready for my impending Fourth of July in Kansas. What was I thinking? Somebody had better get me one of those cooling mist fans. Or maybe just a cooling mist of beer to spray over me at all times.
Preach it, Nelly.
Posted
by The Amy @ 3:14 PM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar (3)
Monday, June 16, 2003
Sweet Yosemite
You know it's been a good weekend when you get to work and have no idea what you did on Friday. Also, when your legs are covered with Calamine lotion, which never really does any good anyway.
But I'm telling you, people, it is a breathtaking place. Even if I did cause an "egregious" parking situation, according to a rather angry park ranger and almost got in a fight with a Dutch tourist. Or "touron" (rhymes with moron- hee hee) as The Boyfriend has now dubbed them. If possible, please begin using that word at once. I’d like it to sweep the nation like the word boondoggle and the rumor that Marilyn Manson was once Paul from The Wonder Years, both of which I still take credit for.
That’s right, folks- the Muse is back. And I still haven’t even told you about my Ohio experiences, which, surprisingly, mirror my pimp’s, other than the fact that I would never be involved in any kind of voluntary Jewel CD purchase. Her and that snaggle tooth can take their foolish games and go to HELL.
I am feisty this morning, aren't I?
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:49 AM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar (6)
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Peace of A$$...
Oh no.
I think they just started singing “Give Peace a Chance.” And if I can hear "Give Peace a Chance" 20 floors up it's got to be loud.
Did I mention the patchouli? It’s overwhelming. But, I got my coffee, so I'll be okay.
Posted
by The Amy @ 10:13 AM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar (2)
Well, at least they have a band...
Another protest this morning, but at least this time there’s some music to jam out to. They brought some sort of marching band and I have to tell you, it was kind of rocking. I guess that’s the best way to protest a company that is “not only profiting from the war with Iraq; but through a variety of government advisory positions, they have played significant roles in ensuring that the war took place” (per their informative leaflet).
Some of my co-workers had to get into the building through the garage via some sort of underground tunnels. I had no idea there were underground tunnels in the Financial District of San Francisco. You would think with the earthquakes that’s maybe not a great idea but hey, I’m no engineer.
Honestly, the only reason that this annoys me is that I’m afraid if I try to go get coffee I’ll never get back in. And I need some coffee...
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:05 AM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Thank you, Big Daddy
As you all may be able to see, we’ve had a few changes over here at The Amy. As always, Micky is the primary genius around all changes.
We love him, don’t we?
Posted
by The Amy @ 9:06 AM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar (1)
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Return of The Mom
Since my muse seems to have taken a permanent vacation to Aruba (that bitch) and left me here with no motivation to write, we will be taking a short breather to here what my Mom has to say about the naked people in this post.
“I don't understand why these people are totally nude for that event. Isn't that indecent exposure? (...as some of them look pretty indecent.) Is that not part of San Francisco law?”
Well, Mom, if I have to watch out for the bum that likes to spray the walls of the BART station with his own urine, and the Police Department thinks that a doggie bag of fajitas is a punishable offense, San Francisco law has bigger fish to fry than naked hippies. Oh, speaking of naked hippies, more protests are planned in the next two days in and around my building. Woo hoo!
I guess no one told them that the war was over. The VIETNAM war.
Posted
by The Amy @ 8:38 PM permalink
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Come on...give us some sugar
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