Mistaken Identity

"Are hot flashes making you miserable? You're not alone"

This was the first sentence from a letter I recently received in the mail from the Foundation for Osteoporosis Research. Two days later I received a letter from Peggy Fleming, encouraging me to attend a free stroke screening on Nov. 1st. And yesterday I (finally) got my AARP application in the mail.

Here's the thing: I'm 28.

Clearly, there is some database, somewhere, that believes I'm an over-50 year old woman, going through menopause, who is at a serious risk for stroke and/or osteoporosis. Perhaps it was when I put myself on the mailing list for the Old Bag Factory, a showplace for arts and crafts with a very unfortunate name, or maybe it was the recent purchase from an online knitting store, but suddenly I am a completely different demographic. If Nielsen were tracking me, I would be the only person in my (new) age group to watch both "America's Next Top Model" and "The O.C." when there was probably a re-run of "Golden Girls" on somewhere.

To tell you the truth, I'm really not all that eager to correct this mistake. I suppose I could be worried that this could signal the potential of identity theft, but I really doubt it. I think I may ride this one out for awhile. Sign up for AARP, attend these free screenings and hell- I'll bet I could even fellow the old Democrat oath of voting early and often. Wouldn't hurt.

So this is the plan: I'm moving the old me back to a red state- say, Ohio. I'm signing her up for the ACLU and the Sierra Club and she's going to start donating part of her Social Security check to MoveOn.org. It might be too late for 2004, but both of us will be ready for 2008.

P. Diddy, take note: That is getting out the vote.